HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
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[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
I would move hell over six inches for you
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.