Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
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I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”