Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
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I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.