Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
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My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff