her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
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My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.