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@DumbConfessions: Her: Eckspecially.
Me: *walks away*
@OfficeofSteve: Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
@MooseAllain: I'm sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
@lecalabara: Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
@girl_a_whirl: I like how this car asks me if it's safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
@BadassBarbie11: If you blow out the kid's Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.