4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
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Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.