Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
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Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in