Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
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Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.