Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
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Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Can. I. Help. You.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.