Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
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Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.