HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
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It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Mad Max Arctic Road
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I am never leaving this website
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.