Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
You Might Also Like
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?