Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
You Might Also Like
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista