“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
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date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
New favorite tiktok
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”