Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
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Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now