Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
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Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…