Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
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[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Every. Damn. Time.
*mops up wine with cat*
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”