Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
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Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Just me and my debit card against the world
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
If you know, you know
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.