Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
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Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at