@goodhairperson: Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
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@Smooheed: Pro tip: if your boss ever asks 'what the fuck is wrong with you?' always start with gynecological problems
@DumbConfessions: Had sex in a kiddie pool full of jam once. *pops jean jacket collar* I got marmalaid.
@LostFelicia: There's a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There's also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.