Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
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Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.