@goodhairperson: Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
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@Donna_McCoy: Rules for a happy marriage: 3. Separate bank accounts 2. Separate data plans 1. Separate bathrooms
@PinkCamoTO: Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job? Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
@dru0887: If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it's because they've just killed someone right?