@goodhairperson: Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
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@OneToothTexan: People that drink Starbucks every morning, how do you decide which kid isn’t going to college?
@PopSlapFunk: So we no longer say "please" and "thanks" in the office? Never got the memo. But I did get one saying it's ok to key impolite people's cars.
@hell_homer: This is your brain: [hippo standing in a field] This is your brain on twitter: [100s of people surround the hippo patting it rhythmically]
@ValeeGrrl: After years of marriage & kids I have no idea how I'd handle a 1st date. Just give him a juice box, crackers & an iPad? Do I bring coupons?