A classic example of a cat being a cat.
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which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Left at a local drug store…
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish