HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
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God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Day 2 of my diet
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Hank is one in a melon.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.