HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
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The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight