Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
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“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Would you wear it?
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?