Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
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[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Whisper out to librarians!
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
I think they could have phrased this better
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.