Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
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Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜