Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
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[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them