her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
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a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Kermit goes Blue.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Spider-cat: No One Home
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.