Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
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I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
A choir of Spring onions
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”