Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
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If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.