Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
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[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
i did the math
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Beware…..
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race