Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
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Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.