Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
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Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
when mom throws a party…
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.