Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
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“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”