Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
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a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
termite twitter scares me
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.