Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
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Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
I’m giving up ice.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”