Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
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Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan