HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
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*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅