HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
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“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.