That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
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If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.