I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
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Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.