It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
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Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
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Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”