I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
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[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
New favorite tiktok
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?