Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
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Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Not all heroes wear capes…
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Big Sex has us all fooled
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan