Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
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Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]