HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
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If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT