Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
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Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
That’s not how days work.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
How wrong was this guy?
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.