Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
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Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
In space, no one can hear…
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
A little too much information.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation