To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
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Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
scared to check what name she chose
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
What kind of a cult is this?
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.