If bad ads/pop-ups are redirecting you, please take a screenshot and email it to [email protected]. Help us keep the site clean!
@refinedrednec: Her: I don't believe in casual sex.
Me: I'll wear a suit.
@ArfMeasures: [After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You're getting heavier
@Elizasoul80: Me: "I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself."
Twitter: lol, you said "came".
@MacAnnabella: The next time someone describes me as feisty, I'm going to stand in front of them and air punch rapidly like Scrappy Doo.
@Dirty_Naomi: 2 Jehovah's witnesses knocked earlier, so I invited them in. I gave 1 the hoover & 1 a mop.
If they can do Gods work, they can do mine.
@shutupmikeginn: I want to put a 'Honk If You Love Jesus' bumpersticker on a goose