@sarcasm_inc: Bouncer: Woah. Dress code Me: This is a suit B: Yeah, a chicken suit. *puts nugget in bouncer's pocket *pats it M: We good? B: Have fun, sir

@AndyShulk: Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

@bourgeoisalien: When I die, I'm donating my body to the theater department. Any jerk could donate their body to science. I can't wait to be a theater prop.

@mjkspeaks: [Walmart customer service] ME: i want to talk to the manager. MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem? ME: no, i just want to talk.

@DadInUtah: Wife: We're supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That's what she said. Wife: Can't you do any better than that? Me: That's what she said