@refinedrednec: Her: I don't believe in casual sex.
Me: I'll wear a suit.
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@MarfSalvador: [Funeral] Her: [Through tears] I'm gonna need your support today Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
@LackOfShame: If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
@wilnettleton: "Last Christmas" is a strange song. It's been 12 months and we're just now addressing this situation?
@TheNardvark: When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
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